Reverse Role Models

A useful tool—when used wisely

We often think about positive role models as we pursue wisdom and try to live a good life. Well-known role models to the ancient Stoics include Socrates, Diogenes the Cynic, and Cato, and of course today we look back to admire the ancient Stoics themselves. Naturally, we also find much to admire in contemporary figures like Thich Nhat Hanh, Jane Goodall, and many others. We also shouldn’t forget the role models we know personally—those mentors, family members, and friends who set a positive example for us. It’s extremely valuable to have a pattern of good behavior to both inspire and guide us through the messy reality of life.

At the same time, the ancient Stoics recognized the value of reverse role models. These are the people who don’t behave well and whose comportment shows us what not to do. Perhaps they anger easily and fly off the handle, or maybe they have an addiction issue, or maybe they are self-absorbed narcissists. Whatever the particular vices we see around us, we also see the awful consequences: irresponsible behavior, damaged relationships, harming others (even inadvertently) or just generally having a negative impact on the world. As an observer, we often notice the bad effects more clearly than the person himself does. And while we want to avoid harsh and undue judgment of others, we can certainly learn from their mistakes. We can’t fix everyone’s problems for them, but we can draw at least one positive thing from their negative behavior: we can learn from their example.

The Roman Stoics had many reverse role models to learn from. Corrupt and power-hungry emperors spring immediately to mind, but there were many others in Roman society who were equally vicious though less powerful. In his essay On Anger, Seneca devotes a lot of space to describing the ill effects of anger, and he encourages his reader to picture how ridiculous angry people look:

You can tell that the people whom anger seizes aren’t sane by considering their very demeanor. As madmen exhibit specific symptoms—a bold and threatening expression, a knitted brow, a fierce set of the features, a quickened step, restless hands, a changed complexion, frequent, very forceful sighing—so do angry people show the same symptoms: their eyes blaze and flicker, their faces flush deeply as the blood surges up from the depths of the heart, their lips quiver, and their teeth grind, their hair bristles and stands on end, their breathing is forced and ragged, their joints crack as they’re wrenched, they groan and bellow, their speech is inarticulate and halting, they repeatedly clap their hands together and stamp the ground, their entire bodies are aroused as they “act out anger’s massive menace,” they have the repellent and terrifying features of people who are deformed and bloated—it would be hard to say whether the vice is more abhorrent or disfiguring. On Anger, 1.3-4

Clearly, Seneca is speaking from experience here. Later on he provides many examples of famous rulers who succumbed to anger, drawing “from the huge crowd available” (On Anger, 3.13). He ranges widely over nations and eras, and the examples are so horrifying that anyone reading this work would likely want to control their anger. Perhaps most poignant is the story of Alexander, who killed his best friend in a rage and regretted it for the rest of his life. As Seneca drily notes in a letter to Lucilius:

Alexander, it’s true, destroyed and routed the Persians, the Hyrcanians, the Indians, and all the nations stretching from east to west, but he himself lay in darkness after killing one friend and again after losing another, alternately grieving over his crime and his loss. The conqueror of so many kings and peoples was felled by anger and gloom. He endeavored to control everything except his passions.

Seneca, Letters on Ethics, 113.29

Like Seneca, Marcus Aurelius also saw his share of negative examples at the imperial court. In general, Marcus is notable for his focus on the positive, as in Book I of the Meditations, where he recognizes all the positive influences on his life. He is clearly trying to avoid dwelling on the bad. (For example, he scrupulously avoids mentioning the paranoid behavior of his predecessor Hadrian). But occasionally he alludes to negative examples as well:

In the face of everything that happens to you, keep before your eyes those who, when the same things happened to them, were at once distressed, bewildered, and resentful. And where are they now? Nowhere! Well then, do you want to be as they were?

Meditations, 7.58

It seems that Marcus frequently reflected on the courts of previous emperors, both to remind himself of the transience of life and fame, but also as a self-warning against their faults:

Call to mind, say, the time of Vespasian, and you will see the same old things: people marrying, bringing up children, falling sick, dying, fighting wars, feasting, trading, working the land, flattering, putting on airs, suspecting their fellows, hatching plots, praying for the death of others, grumbling at their present lot, falling in love, piling up fortune, lusting for high office or a crown; and now that life of theirs is utterly dead and nowhere to be seen. And then pass on to the time of Trajan. Once again the same old things; and that life too is dead. Consider likewise the annals of other ages and of entire nations, and see how many people, after their brief exertions, soon fell prey to death and were resolved into their elements. But above all, you should run over in your mind those whom you yourself have known, who, distracted by vain pursuits, have neglected to do what their own constitution demanded, and to hold firm to this and rest content. And here it is essential to remember that the care bestowed on each action should be proportionate to its worth; for then you will not lose heart and give up, if you are not busying yourself with lesser matters a greater extent than they deserve.

Meditations, 4.32

What is vice? It is something you have often seen. And with regard to everything that comes to pass, be ready to apply this thought: this is something that you have often seen. For everywhere, high and low, you will find the same old things, the things that fill the histories of the distant past, and of the intervening ages, and of recent times, and fill our cities and our households to this very day. There is nothing new; everything is long familiar, and swift to pass.

Meditations, 7.1

I think this is an interesting strategy. Whereas the Seneca passage above focuses on the physical and visceral, Marcus is contextualizing the moral failings of others as part of his “view from above” contemplation, zooming out for a more detached and spiritual view. There is clearly a difference of temperament at work here, though we might also note that while Marcus was talking to himself, Seneca was hoping to influence others. Perhaps Seneca had to resort to gruesome and vivid examples to get the attention the power-hungry patricians he worked with, while Marcus had only to convince himself.

Nevertheless, both men approached negative role models with a caveat: it’s fine to learn from other people’s mistakes, but we should not do so in a judgmental spirit. Rather, we need to keep in mind our own faults and our own potential to commit these same errors. Following his self-reminder to keep negative role models before his eyes (in 7.58), Marcus shifts the focus from other people’s behavior back to his own behavior. Here is the continuation of that passage:

In the face of everything that happens to you, keep before your eyes those who, when the same things happened to them, were at once distressed, bewildered, and resentful. And where are they now? Nowhere! Well then, do you want to be as they were? Why not leave these various changes to those who change and are changed, and concentrate wholly on how you are to make the best use of whatever befalls you? For then you will turn it to good account, and it will serve as material for you. Only pay attention, and resolve to act rightly in your own eyes in all that you do; and keep in mind these two points, that how you act is of moral significant, and that the material on which you act is neither good nor bad in itself.

Meditations, 7.58

Marcus is very careful not to fall into the trap of making himself feel better by looking down on others. And he certainly doesn’t want to excuse his own behavior by favorably comparing himself to someone worse. He is not here to gossip or condemn. His only goal is to avoid flaws in his own character. He is keeping before his eyes those who were “distressed, bewildered, and resentful” so he can avoid those attitudes himself.

There is another reason why Marcus tends to criticize obliquely and anonymously—he is trying to avoid outright condemnation because he’s keeping his own flaws in mind. He even explains how he does this:

Whenever somebody wrongs you, ask yourself at once, “What conception of good and evil led him to commit such a wrong?” And when you have seen that, you will pity him, and feel neither surprise nor anger. For you yourself still hold the same opinion about what is good as he does, or another not unlike it; and you are thus obliged to forgive him. Or if you no longer suppose that things of that kind are good or bad in themselves, you will find it easier to show kindness to one who is still in the dark.

Meditations, 7.26

Seneca agrees. In On Anger, he asks, “Who is there that can declare himself to have broken no laws?”

We see others’ vices right before us, but we carry our own on our backs…There’s a large segment of humanity that becomes angry not with the wrongs done but with the wrongdoers. We’ll become more self-controlled if we take a look at ourselves and ask: “It’s surely not the case that I’ve done nothing like that myself, is it? Surely I’ve gone astray that same way, haven’t I? Is it in my own interest to condemn such behavior?”

On Anger, 2.28

The very clear message here is that we ourselves are no better than those committing the vices. When thinking about reverse role models, we must do so not in a spirit of condemnation, self-righteousness, and moral superiority—which is what many people do—but as a fellow patient looking for remedies for our own moral infirmities. We can see what went wrong for other people, and we can seek a cure in more promising directions. Our goal should always be caution and self-improvement, not criticism for its own sake.

I would suggest, therefore, that we use this tool sparingly and judiciously. It’s extremely easy to fall into a habit of just criticizing people who do things we don’t like, from politicians to the driver ahead of you in traffic to that friend of a friend who was rude the other day. But that’s not what we’re going for. We want to be selective, specific, and constructive. I recommend doing it as a discrete, isolated exercise that has a beginning and an end. This would be great for journaling, or if you’re not into journaling it could also be a simple reflection. As you do the exercise, here are a few things to think about:

Be selective. Identify a reverse role model whose weaknesses are similar to your own, or whose situation is reminiscent of yours. This will make the context relevant for you and motivate you to improve your own behavior.

Be specific. Instead of a blanket and moralizing statement like “she’s a bad person,” identify specific behaviors you want to learn from. If you were put off by someone’s rude comment, then remind yourself that you don’t want to make that same mistake. If you see someone mindlessly scrolling on their phone all the time, make a commitment to put your own phone down more often.

Be constructive. Remember, the point of this exercise is self-improvement. Sometimes it may be possible for you to offer constructive advice to the other person, if they are close to you, but most of the time this is not possible—and anyway, that’s not what we’re aiming for here. We can’t fix other people, but we can try to fix ourselves. So think about the specific and constructive lessons you can draw from this example.

And then…move on. Once you have drawn a lesson and thought about how to improve your own weaknesses, don’t dwell on someone else’s faults or wrongdoing. This is perhaps the most challenging rule of all! We don’t want to set off a spiraling rumination on other people’s flaws. Be like Marcus (a positive role model) and don’t waste your time with grievances against other people:

What ease of mind a person gains if he casts no eye on what his neighbor has said, done, or thought, but looks only to what he himself is doing, to ensure that his own action may be just, and holy, and good in every regard. Do not look back to examine the black character of another, but run straight towards the finishing line, never glancing to the right or left.

Conclusion

I hope you find these thoughts on reverse role models helpful. This is a technique I’ve often used myself, but I’ve been hesitant to share with others because it can be misinterpreted or misused. There is a lot of room for error. As I’ve emphasized throughout, the goal is always self-improvement rather than judging others. But when done well, I think there are quite a few benefits. If we’re able to learn from the mistakes of other people, then we don’t have to repeat those mistakes ourselves.

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Photo credit: Vitaly Gariev via Unsplash