The Stoic Council

A little humor, perhaps?

Note to readers: To thank you all for supporting the launch of Stoic Ethics: The Basics, this week I’m offering a little philosophical comedy. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to take everything so seriously, and humor helps me to keep things in perspective. Next week we will get serious again.

I hope you enjoy today’s nugget of Stoic satire!

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Scene: a misty morning on Mount Stolympus. A group of august elders sit in council around a central dias, surrounded by stately columns and overlooking the bucolic Greek countryside. As the mists begin to clear in the sunshine, one of them raises a hand for silence.

Zeno: Thank you, friends, for joining me here today. I know many of you have been enjoying the past two thousand years in the heavenly realm reserved for philosophers—that arcadian grove of olive and fig trees, where the breeze is always gentle, the conversation always fruitful, and the company always gracious and bright. I wouldn’t have called you away from your well-deserved paradise for anything that wasn’t important.

Chrysippus: We deduced as much Zeno. Please get to the point.

Zeno [rolling his eyes]: These impatient young people! There’s a reason you have two ears and only one mouth, Chrysippus—for listening twice as much as you talk. But your turn to speak will come, for I have summoned this meeting in order to hear from each one of you. We have a serious problem. You’re not going to believe this but…[pauses dramatically]… Stoicism is being misinterpreted down there.

Epictetus: Tell us something we don’t already know, Zeno. You have no idea how hard I tried to represent your ideas correctly to those madmen, but would they listen? No! They go around calling themselves Stoics when really they’re Aristotelians, or even Epicureans…

[general murmurs of disapproval from the group]

Zeno [sighing]: Exactly. And I’m afraid in the past two millennia things have only gotten worse. The more popular Stoicism becomes, the more it is misunderstood. Did you know there are people down there right now saying that Stoicism will help you get rich, or build muscle mass, or increase your productivity?

Seneca [dramatically]: O where is a wise man to be found? Struggling and striving toward those things that are lofty, orderly, fearless, flowing in an even and harmonious course, free from anxiety, kind, existing for the public good, and healthy both for him and for others, he will not desire anything that is lowly, and he will not shed tears for anything. One who rests on his reason for support and proceeds through human events with a divine mind does not have anywhere he can receive injury…

Epictetus: Hey, who let the poet in?

Zeno: Thank you, Seneca. That’s most lyrical. Now let’s get back to the matter at hand. What are we going to do about the misrepresentation of Stoicism? We can’t have all these bearded dudes running around saying Stoics detach themselves from other people and don’t care about things outside of their control. By the way, Epictetus, I believe that whole dichotomy of control thing was your doing.

Epictetus: Don’t blame me! I tell them about prohairesis and the fools think I mean pro-selfishness. Is it my fault they’ve twisted my words around? And anyway Zeno, you have no room to talk. What about the whole “live according to nature” thing? Couldn’t you have been a bit more specific? Do you know how much trouble that one phrase has caused?

Zeno: No, I was perfectly clear about that. But I believe these two have some explaining to do. [points at Cleanthes and Chrysippus] My words were simple and pithy, but they had to go and make everything more complicated. [turns to Diogenes, Archedemus, and Antipater] And these three didn’t help either!

Chrysippus: Well it certainly wasn’t my fault. I was the most prolific writer of the entire Greek Stoa, but those Romans couldn’t keep up with all my writings! If they had just preserved them better, everyone down there would still know exactly what I said. I’ve never hesitated to express myself clearly and thoroughly. My words are always crystal clear.

Seneca [scoffs]: Crystal clear? Don’t you mean stupefyingly boring and completely irrelevant? At times I feel ashamed to go into battle with the words you left for us, Chrysippus. And you too, Zeno, I’m sorry to say. Oh look, “mouse” is a syllable. But a mouse eats cheese. Therefore a syllable eats cheese. Suppose I can't solve that one: what risk do I incur by not knowing how? What inconvenience even? Sure, I'd have to watch out—someday I might find myself catching syllables in mousetraps! Better be careful—my cheese might be eaten by a book!

Epictetus [chuckling]: I’m starting to like this guy.

Marcus Aurelius: Gentlemen, I suggest we stop bickering and find a solution. Now, I feel somewhat responsible for the stony-faced misconception of Stoicism that has been passed down through the centuries. After all, it’s usually my likeness—that bronze of me on horseback—that is associated with Broicism and $toicism. And all those creepy YouTube videos of burly Zeus-like statues with bulging muscles lounging on rocks under an apocalyptic sky…well, a lot of them mention me. So I’ll take the lead here in dismantling the image of the emotionless Stoic.

Zeno: Well said, Antoninus! But what’s your plan? And which version of Stoicism are you going to replace it with?

Marcus Aurelius: My own, of course. You know I’ve always been partial to Heraclitus, so I’ll include some good bits about the flux of the cosmos. And my views have always differed a little from yours, Zeno, on the nature of the soul. And even though I’m 99% sure Nature is providential, I’ll just sprinkle in a few doubts about “providence or atoms,” just to leave a little room for debate and make things interesting.

Aristo: Providence or atoms? What are you talking about? What we should be discussing here is virtue and nothing but virtue. I find it difficult to believe that a Roman emperor is the best person to represent Stoicism. Living in the lap of luxury, leading battle after battle to secure a decadent empire, being a figurehead for the machine instead of dismantling the machine…Can’t we find someone who didn’t have a household of slaves to cater to his every whim?

Marcus Aurelius: Clearly you don’t really know me. I wanted to give up all those luxuries, I really did. Just ask my mother…at the age of 12 I insisted on sleeping on the floor and wearing a rough cloak. But it was my fate to become Roman emperor, and I took on the responsibility as best I could. It’s not my fault Hadrian chose me. I always tried not to be turned into a Caesar.

Musonius: Come now, Aristo, leave the man alone. Even kings and emperors need a philosophy. [turns to Marcus] But I do have some objections to this version of Stoicism you speak of, Antoninus. Why all this focus on the cosmos instead of social problems? We all know you had a very difficult job, but honestly, you could have done a bit more in that department.

Marcus Aurelius: Why are you all piling on me? What about Seneca? At least I didn’t write an apology for someone who killed his own mother!

Seneca: And I spent the rest of my life atoning for my mistakes. You of all people, Antoninus, should know how hard it is to make good decisions on matters of state. You left the empire to Commodus, and how did that work out?

Zeno: Enough, men! I didn’t call you here to argue. Why don’t we just vote on the version of Stoicism we want Marcus Aurelius to share with the people, and then he can get to work down there. All in favor?

Everyone: Aye!

Zeno: Now all we have to do is draft the definitive version of Stoicism. This shouldn’t take too long. Let’s start with the whole “nature” thing…pretty straightforward, really…

As the camera zooms out and pans over the mists of Mount Stolympus, vigorous arguing continues. Far below in the valley, someone plays a creepy YouTube video of Marcus Aurelius with bulging muscles. Life continues as always.