Thank you very much for such a thought-provoking piece. You’ve captured the exact dilemma that naturally empathetic people face. The impulse to reflexively please someone demanding it and using reason to do what is actually good both for them and for ourselves.
I use two complementary tools to deal with the tension of thise situations.
The "Stoic Pause" (as taught through Modern Stoicism). Before reacting to a demand, taking a brief pause to empathize, check what is actually within my control, weigh the situation against core virtues and past experience, and find the courage to hold the line rather than falling into automatic, maladaptive appeasement.
The RAIN framework (from Buddhist mindfulness practice). When facing negative reactions or pushback, it helps to Recognize the uncomfortable feeling, Allow the emotion to be there without panic, Investigate the physical sensations and underlying assumptions with curiosity, and practice Non-identification remembering that this passing wave of guilt or discomfort doesn't it mean I’ve done something wrong.
Your article does a wonderful job of showing that setting boundaries isn’t a lack of compassion, but an exercise in justice. Thanks again for writing it!
Thanks, Tim! This has always been a challenge for me, but I continue to work on it, and I agree with you that RAIN and the Stoic pause are very helpful in these contexts. I wish more people knew how helpful Stoicism can be for dealing with these types of emotions. Hopefully we are getting the word out to the people who need to hear it.
Excellent and thoughtful account, Brittany. Indeed, sometimes the virtue of justice requires us to stand up for ourselves.
Thanks, Judy! ♥️
Hi Brittany,
Thank you very much for such a thought-provoking piece. You’ve captured the exact dilemma that naturally empathetic people face. The impulse to reflexively please someone demanding it and using reason to do what is actually good both for them and for ourselves.
I use two complementary tools to deal with the tension of thise situations.
The "Stoic Pause" (as taught through Modern Stoicism). Before reacting to a demand, taking a brief pause to empathize, check what is actually within my control, weigh the situation against core virtues and past experience, and find the courage to hold the line rather than falling into automatic, maladaptive appeasement.
The RAIN framework (from Buddhist mindfulness practice). When facing negative reactions or pushback, it helps to Recognize the uncomfortable feeling, Allow the emotion to be there without panic, Investigate the physical sensations and underlying assumptions with curiosity, and practice Non-identification remembering that this passing wave of guilt or discomfort doesn't it mean I’ve done something wrong.
Your article does a wonderful job of showing that setting boundaries isn’t a lack of compassion, but an exercise in justice. Thanks again for writing it!
Thanks, Tim! This has always been a challenge for me, but I continue to work on it, and I agree with you that RAIN and the Stoic pause are very helpful in these contexts. I wish more people knew how helpful Stoicism can be for dealing with these types of emotions. Hopefully we are getting the word out to the people who need to hear it.