Self-Respect

An overlooked but essential element of Stoicism

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You will deserve respect from everyone if you start by respecting yourself.

Musonius Rufus

Is self-respect the key to excellence, happiness, and even ethical behavior?

It may sound odd, but many philosophers have thought so. Aristotle, for instance, suggested that the virtue of megalopsuchia—which is something akin to seeing yourself as worthy of honor and esteem—is the greatest of all virtues. Enlightenment philosopher David Hume suggested that pride is the driving motivator for ethical behavior, while Immanuel Kant placed self-respect at the center of human morality. Comparing these three philosophers in her introduction to Dignity, Character, and Self-Respect, Robin S. Dillon notes:

For Aristotle and Hume, the worth of persons is grounded in the quality of their characters, and only the virtuous deserve the appropriately favorable view of themselves that is megalopsuchia or proper pride. By contrast, Kant maintains that self-respect is something that all persons, regardless of character, deserve and ought to maintain. Of all the historical accounts, Kant’s is the most influential, and with good reason: the concept of respect is one of the cornerstones of his most influential ethics. One of his formulations of the supreme principle of morality—“Act in such a way that you always treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never simply as a means, but always at the same time as an end—is widely regarded as the preeminent statement of the principle of respect for persons, the simple but powerful idea that all persons as such must be respected. It is also regarded as Kant’s major contribution to our understanding of self-respect. This principle declares that we have not only a moral duty to respect others, but also a moral duty to respect ourselves, which requires us to act in certain ways and forbids us from acting in other ways.

Dillon, Dignity, Character, and Self-Respect, p. 14

But where did Kant get these ideas on the importance of respect for self and others? It probably won’t surprise you to learn that he was highly influenced by the ancient Stoics. The Stoic insistence on human dignity—the worth of a human simply because they are human—is often seen as the basis for many of the humanitarian innovations of the early modern and Enlightenment periods, including natural law (seeing equal worth in people of every race and nationality) and cosmopolitanism (seeing humans as members of the same basic community). You might say that our modern understanding of human rights is built on a Stoic foundation, which has slowly been expanded over time.

It seems to me that the central position Kant assigned to respect also applies in Stoicism. Respect for self and others seems like the cornerstone of virtue in that it both directs and motivates our actions. When we believe that each person deserves a certain type of treatment and attention just because they are human, we have a how and a why for granting everyone at least a minimal level of our concern. Let’s begin by looking at what respect for others might mean for a practicing Stoic, and then we’ll shift into how self-respect can help us to live a flourishing and happy life.

Respect for Others

What does it mean to respect others? Personally, I find that if you respect someone you take them seriously as a rational being, considering their agency, autonomy, and ability to make decisions for themselves. You don’t automatically assume that you know what’s best for them, or that you know them at all; in fact, you maintain your own sense of personal and intellectual humility in all your dealings with other people, appreciating their own unique views and perspectives. You don’t go around telling other people what to do and believing you know better than they do. That type of behavior is a decidedly disrespectful approach to others.

The type of respect I’m describing here doesn’t mean you allow anyone to do anything—obviously we have to hold others both personally and legally responsible for immoral and/or harmful actions. But it means that your default position isn’t ignoring, condemning, or controlling others; rather, it’s giving the benefit of the doubt and the most charitable interpretation to their actions, and allowing them to exercise their own judgment and autonomy whenever possible.

In every moral stance there is a tradeoff to be made, a balance to be attempted, between respecting each person’s autonomy and limiting each person’s ability to do what they want. When humans lived in small hunter-gatherer groups, it would probably have been much more straightforward for the group to flexibly accommodate the individuality of each person (listening to their opinions, respecting their individual contributions) while also making collective decisions that benefited the entire group. Everyone knew everyone else, discussions were always face-to-face, and decisions were made dynamically and could be easily changed. People knew who to count on, who gave wise counsel, who to avoid, and who to hold responsible for any successful or unsuccessful decisions.

Things are much more complicated today. Society is so big and complex, and moves at such a fast pace, that we have to codify many of our morals into one-size-fits-all norms and laws because we don’t have any other effective mechanisms to hold people accountable for their actions. But this also means morality cannot be flexibly applied, and it cannot accommodate people as individuals. There are just too many people. It flattens everyone and everything. It’s dehumanizing.

I think this is where the Stoic sense of respect comes in. When we respect each person as a person, we recognize and value their individuality: their history, their stories, their experiences, their points of view. We listen to them and give their opinions a fair chance. We consider them as a whole person, granting them our attention and concern. We respect their humanity, which includes their creativity, autonomy, and judgment. This is what is all too often missing from modern life, and this is where Stoicism can help make a significant contribution. Let’s bring back true respect.

So many people feel lost in a sea of atomization and automation, cogs in the wheel, rats on the treadmill, dehumanized, unappreciated, disrespected. No one listens to them, no one cares what they think, no one appreciates what they can do. No wonder everyone is miserable.

Following the ancient Stoics, I suggest that we cultivate a respect for each person’s daimon, their inner spirit or spark of divinity. You don’t have to interpret this as literally divine (although of course some people may choose to do so). I think it’s a beautiful concept whether or not you call it God or pneuma or whatever else. It’s simply valuing each person as a whole person. To treat someone with respect, you don’t have to agree with all their opinions, or allow them to walk all over you, or ignore their flaws or misbehavior. You can stand up to someone respectfully, you can disagree with someone respectfully, you can even punish or sentence someone while respecting their basic humanity.

What is respect not? It’s not thinking you are better than other people because you have more money, more power, a better job, or a higher social status. It’s not being arrogant, smug, or condescending. It’s not telling the other people around you what to do. It’s not assuming you have the right to control another human being.

What is respect, according to this point of view? I like Stephen Darwall’s suggestion that we look at two different kinds of respect: recognition respect, which accords respect to someone/something simply because of what they are; and appraisal respect, in which respect has to be earned (“Two Kinds of Respect,” in Robin S. Dillon’s edited volume Dignity, Character, and Self-Respect, pp. 183-184). We offer recognition respect to all humans simply because they are human. It’s not just a matter of basic human rights, but of recognizing each person as a rational, creative, autonomous being with something to offer the world. This type of respect is not just superficial or external, but a recognition of the value (you might even say the sacredness) of the human experience.

Recognition respect applies to every human, even those who have gone terribly wrong (like Medea, who killed her own children). In contrast, appraisal respect goes only to those we judge to be worthy of it. The person who is incredibly honest; or the general who rides into battle alongside his troops; or the selfless parent who works menial jobs to give their children a better life. Appraisal respect is reserved only for those who demonstrate excellence as a person. Thinking about these two types of respect allows us to show a certain level of concern to everyone while also bestowing greater esteem to those who earn it.

Respect and Humaneness

The ancient Stoics consistently emphasized that living in agreement with nature—living in the best possible way, fulfilling your human nature—requires us to respect ourselves and others. They contrasted this humaneness with the brutish actions of selfishness, rashness, and not thinking properly (in other words, not using one’s human rationality). When you fail to act respectfully of self and others, you begin to lose your humanity and turn into a beast (a favorite metaphor of Musonius Rufus and his student Epictetus):

Take care never to be like a wild beast; otherwise you will have destroyed what is human in you, and will have failed to fulfill your part as a human being. Take care that you never act like a sheep; or else in that way, too, you will have destroyed what is human in you.

Epictetus, Discourses, 2.9, 3

There is a particular end and a general end. First of all, I must act as a human being. What does that involve? That one shouldn't act like a sheep, even if one is gentle in one's behavior, and one shouldn't act injuriously, like a wild beast.

Epictetus, Discourses, 3.23, 4

Shouldn't everyone do things for his neighbor as well as for himself and thus make sure that his city has thriving families and that it is not a wasteland? Isn't this how commonwealths thrive? To say that each should look only to his own affairs is to admit that a human being is no different from a wolf or any of the other wildest beasts whose nature if to live by force and greed. They spare nothing that they can devour, they have no share in companionship, they take no part in working with each other, and they have no share in anything just.

Musonius Rufus, Lecture 14.3

Plotting how to bite back someone who bites and to return evil against the one who first did evil is characteristic of a beast, not a man. A beast is not able to comprehend that many of the wrongs done to people are done out of ignorance and a lack of understanding. A person who gains this comprehension immediately stops doing wrong. It is characteristic of a civilized and humane temperament not to respond to wrongs as a beast would and not to be implacable towards those who offend, but to provide them with a model of decent behavior.

Musonius Rufus, Lecture 10.5

Seen in this way, it makes sense to say that respect is at the center of ethical behavior in Stoicism. You respect your own humanity, as well as that of others, when you treat other people the way a person should be treated (with care, compassion, dignity, etc.). Human nature requires that one human treat another with due care and respect. By disregarding what is due to another person, you diminish your own humanity, which ultimately harms you more than the other person. You begin to change your status from human to brute. Therefore if you want to fulfill your potential as a full human person, you have a strong reason to behave respectfully toward others.

Respect for Self

The same logic applies, of course, to respecting yourself. You respect yourself because you are a human with rationality and agency, worthy of love and respect. Even if you don’t receive the respect you are due from others, you can and should still respect yourself. As Seneca puts it,

Someone who is affected by insult shows that he does not have any good sense in himself, or any confidence. For he judges, without a hint of doubt, that he has been disrespected. The wise person, by contrast, is not disrespected by anyone: he knows his own greatness, and he informs himself that no one has that much power over him.

Seneca, On Constancy, 10.3

This is where Stoicism differs greatly from many other philosophies. Other respect-based philosophies like those of Aristotle, Hume, and Rawls hold that a person’s self-respect must be reflected by others if that person is to have a good life. If someone disrespects you, dishonors you, or somehow constrains your ability to maximize your potential, your sense of self and your happiness will automatically suffer.

Stoics, of course, disagree. Stoics argue that you can and should respect yourself, regardless of what anyone else may think. You are a human, so whatever your circumstances are you can preserve your humanity by acting with dignity toward self and others. As Epictetus reminds us,

Where in human beings is the great good and evil to be found? In that which distinguishes them as human; and if that is preserved and kept well-fortified, and if one's self-respect, and fidelity, and intelligence are kept unimpaired, then the human being himself is safeguarded; but if any of these are destroyed or taken by storm, then he himself is destroyed.

Discourses, 1.28, 21

When we say that man is by nature sociable, affectionate, and trustworthy, there surely isn't anything paradoxical in that?

‘No, that isn't paradoxical.’

How is it, then, that he still suffers no harm when he is flogged, or thrown into prison, or decapitated? Isn't it that if he bears that in a noble spirit, he comes off with added profit and advantage, while the person who is truly harmed, and suffers the most pitiful and shameful fate, is the one who, instead of being human, turns into a wolf, a viper, or a wasp?

Epictetus, Discourses, 4.1, 126-127

The idea of self-respect in the face of external degradation is brought out forcefully in a passage from Dillon’s introduction to Dignity, Character, and Self-Respect, in which she cites the excruciatingly inhumane treatment of prisoners at Auschwitz. “The unmistakable aim here,” she writes, citing the work of Holocaust scholar Terrence Des Pres,

was to ‘destroy our human dignity, to efface every vestige of humanity, to fill us with horror and contempt toward ourselves and our fellows,’ so to obliterate the prisoners’ sense of themselves as human beings—as beings with any kind of worth—and reduce them in their own minds to something beneath even brutes…To survive in the face of such profound humiliation required ‘holding on to dignity,’ and that depended ‘on the daily, never finished battle to remain visibly human.’ Keeping dignity manifest through such monumentally difficult tasks…preserved self-respect and so preserved life.

Dillon, Dignity, Character, and Self-Respect, p. 24

Surely this must be the very pinnacle of self-respect: to hold yourself accountable for your humanity regardless of what others do to you. It's probably no coincidence that the ancient Stoic who had suffered the most degrading experiences—Epictetus, a former slave—is the one who most forcefully advocates self-respect. He frequently mentions self-respect as a desirable disposition and behavior, highlighting its role in virtue (and proper use of impressions):

Now since everyone, whoever he may be, is bound to deal with each matter in accordance with the belief that he holds about it, those few who think they were born for fidelity, self-respect, and the sound use of impressions will never harbor any mean or ignoble thought about themselves, whereas the majority of people will do exactly the opposite.

Discourses, 1.3,4

Your good faith is your own, your self-respect is your own; for who can take those away from you? Who apart from yourself can prevent you from making use of them? But for your own part, how do you behave? Whenever you devote your attention to what is not your own, you lose what is truly your own.

Discourses, 1.25, 4

Pay careful attention to your impressions; watch over them unceasingly. For it is not something of little importance that you're trying to preserve, but self-respect, fidelity, impassability, freedom from distress, fear, and anxiety, and, in a word, freedom. At what price will you sell that? Consider how much it is worth.

Discourses, 4.3, 7-8

Epictetus frequently talks about a person’s choice to maintain their own self-respect through their attitudes and personal sense of value. In a world that often doesn’t esteem us according to our merit, it’s up to us to provide a proper evaluation and recognition of our own worth.

This stands in stark contrast to the conventional opinion (both then and now) that respect must be provided by others. Many people think that respecting themselves means insisting on a show of respect from everyone around them. But while external honor is naturally desirable, it’s an indifferent in the Stoic scheme of things. It’s not necessary for a good and happy life. Like food and money, it’s great if we can get it, and it may support our achievements in life, but it’s not a determiner of happiness. We can still live a meaningful life without it as long as our self-respect is intact.

Our materialistic societies are so focused on superficial notions of justice or respect that they have forgotten what it means to be truly human, and how we cultivate true respect for self and others. It’s not by demanding that others respect us—plenty of tyrants throughout history have tried that, but it never makes anyone truly respect them—and it’s not by getting offended whenever someone slights us in some way. Quite the opposite. It’s maintaining your own sense of self-respect and humaneness in the face of insults or challenging circumstances. It is, as Marcus Aurelius puts it, refusing to be like your enemy, refusing to lower your own standards of behavior even when everyone around you is doing it.

Concluding Thoughts

Let’s return to the idea we started with: that respect, and in particular self-respect, is a central building block of a good Stoic life. When we respect ourselves, we automatically comport ourselves in a way that aligns with human excellence; to do otherwise would be disrespectful to ourselves. Every human, including ourselves, deserves to be treated with respect (we’ve called this minimum level of respect recognition respect, following Stephen Darwall). This is a strong motive for treating others well, and it’s also a strong motive for respecting ourselves.

But that’s not all there is to it. We also want to maintain our self-respect in another sense, that of appraisal respect (again using Darwall’s terminology). We want to be worthy of esteem, to deserve respect for our upstanding character, to be able to look ourselves straight in the eye and be proud of our actions. Ideally, we will be surrounded by good people who will offer us the respect we deserve, but given the unfairness of the world, this may not always happen. We have to behave in such a way that we can respect ourselves, no matter what anyone else thinks of us.

We also need to respect the process of human development, understanding that everyone has a strong need to establish their own sense of self-respect. I think it would be wise to help others do this as much as possible. If you are a parent, teacher, boss, or any kind of authority figure, remember to allow your kids or employees the space to develop their own autonomy—this is how they learn to trust and respect themselves, and it also encourages others to trust and respect them. This is a basic human need, and in a good society we will learn to balance this need against other competing values, such as the desire to be physically or emotionally safe. Each person wants to be able to express themselves as an individual and contribute to the world. This is something that no one else can do or provide for a person, and that everyone must learn to do for themselves. Through such experiences we learn to trust ourselves and we learn how to navigate the complex realities of the world. And in the process we gain something valuable and irreplaceable: self-respect.

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